{"id":2801,"date":"2026-02-02T22:04:36","date_gmt":"2026-02-02T22:04:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/williamjcobb.com\/blog\/?p=2801"},"modified":"2026-02-02T22:05:43","modified_gmt":"2026-02-02T22:05:43","slug":"the-alien-hunting-wives-trumps-novel-solution-to-the-coming-alien-invasion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/williamjcobb.com\/blog\/index.php\/2026\/02\/02\/the-alien-hunting-wives-trumps-novel-solution-to-the-coming-alien-invasion\/","title":{"rendered":"The Alien-Hunting Wives: Trump’s Novel Solution to the Coming Alien Invasion"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

[Note: This is satire. In the spirit of the New Yorker’<\/em>s “Shouts and Murmurs” satirical op-ed slot.]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

New bombshells revealed after the recent release of the shocking documentary The Age of Disclosure, detailing U.S. government\u2019s possession of recovered UFO craft and \u201cbiologics.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the Sandblasters from Alpha Centauri first invaded we all panicked, of course: They\u2019re zapping innocent citizens into ash-puffs all over the parking lot of Texas Roadhouse and IHOP, so who wouldn\u2019t? Conventional weapons seemed to have no effect on the many tentacled, green-lipped creatures. So our fearless POTUS came up with a capital idea: Why waste the murderous talents of the Hunting Wives on suspiciously \u201cpregnant\u201d high-school sweethearts and troublesome methhead brothers? Point them in the direction of said alien menace and give \u2018em a good swat on the keister, problem solved, right? Kristi Noem of Homeland Security chimed in enthusiastically, \u201cI\u2019m a hunting wife myself, and these gals ain\u2019t just shootin\u2019 puppies.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

After being deputized as official border patrol agents, the indefatigable crew of Margo (aka Mandy from little ole Alba, Texas), \u201cBoston\u201d Sophie (uppity Yankee but a killer behind the wheel), \u201cLongjaw\u201d Callie and \u201cBible-thumper\u201d Jill played along. During a shooting hiatus of Season Two they got in the mood by having a Guns-for-Gals afternoon at the local semi-automatic shop. Lunch began with Cadillac Margaritas and footsies beneath the table. Halfway through a plate of nachos Margo got a text and excused herself for a moment, saying she\u2019d forgotten something in her Lexus. \u201cYou mean \u2018Sexus,\u2019\u201d said Callie, grinning. When Margo returned a half-hour later her dress was covered in green goo and her hair was a bit mussed. Time for bizness. \u201cLet\u2019s not get our panties in a wad over these E.T.\u2019s,\u201d she began. \u201cThey may shoot all kinds of laser gizmos but I tell you what they ain\u2019t resisting the girls,\u201d and here she cupped her fulsome breasts in their push-ups and gave them a boost. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even so, the gals decided to add some heat to their weapons portfolio. At the mini-mall gunshop Jill went with a Ruger 10\/22 for being easy on the shoulder while Margo preferred the no-nonsense AR-15 for blasting some extraterrestrial ass to Jupiter and back. Margo said they probably didn\u2019t need all that firepower. \u201cReally, they\u2019re not so bad. I had a little look-see of their mother ship and it\u2019s like the set of Yellowstone, with lots of wooden beams and Navaho rugs, stuffed grizzly bears and expensive whiskey. The big kahuna is a teddy bear if you ask me. Got a funny name like Crabmonkeyprawn or something, so let\u2019s just call him Crabcakes. He showed me their shuttle bay and let me fire the photon blasters at some illegals, getting cheeky with his tentacles if you know what I\u2019m sayin\u2019.\u201d She added that she didn\u2019t like the smell of so much ammonia in their spacecraft AC. \u201cI told him to go terraform France if you want a wreck an atmosphere. They\u2019ll lie down like dogs for a piece of cheese.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

At press time President Trump proposed a ceasefire while taking a \u201cdrone tour\u201d of the smoldering ruins of Los Angeles. \u201cIt will be beautiful,\u201d said Trump. \u201cI\u2019ve met with Emporer Crabcakes and he\u2019s apologized for wiping out most of the blue cities, explaining the Samsonites are really color-blind, so whatever. Not like it was on purpose! I didn\u2019t know a thing about it. Really. Crabcakes is a great leader, a true arthropod slash cephalopod with silicon-based armor, and such a kind man! Or being I guess. His gift of a solid-gold statue of myself was truly heart-warming.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a reporter from the Associated Press tried to derail the joyous news of the Hunting Wives being unleased on the Samsonites (Trump got the name wrong, true, but the luggage corporation is thankful for the press and has promised a 15% stake in stock options, class A) by noting that the so-called \u201cHunting Wives\u201d aren\u2019t “real,” but actresses playing . . . . The press secretary cut her off and frowned, saying, \u201cThat\u2019s loser talk. Why don\u2019t you take your chubby woke ass out into the hallway and vape or whatever it is libtard losers do when you\u2019re fuming for attention.\u201d The AP reporter tried to speak but no one could hear her for all the laughing. \u201cWhat does that mean, anywho?\u201d said the press secretary. \u201c\u2018Associated\u2019? Like you know someone in the media or something?\u201d She pressed a button that made a mwah-mwah-mwah sound. The press secretary\u2019s staff assistant (daughter of a wealthy donor) giggled and took an iphone shot of the AP reporter looking gobsmacked. Within moments a squad of masked agents entered the briefing room and muscled the reporter. When she tried to resist they pinned her right arm behind her back and rushed her into the hallway. \u201cBye bye now, Pastor Pete!\u201d called the secretary. \u201cWho are you to decide what\u2019s real or not, anyway?\u201d she added. \u201cPerception is reality, dogface. Don\u2019t forget it.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[Note: This is satire. In the spirit of the New Yorker’s “Shouts and Murmurs” satirical op-ed slot.] New bombshells revealed after the recent release of the shocking documentary The Age of Disclosure, detailing U.S. government\u2019s possession of recovered UFO craft … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[214,287,4,18,286,1],"tags":[290,289,288],"class_list":["post-2801","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-alien-intelligence","category-anti-trump-satire","category-bad-tv","category-good-tv","category-the-hunting-wives-tv-series","category-uncategorized","tag-go-bad-its-good-tv","tag-satire","tag-the-hunting-wives"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/williamjcobb.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2801","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/williamjcobb.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/williamjcobb.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/williamjcobb.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/williamjcobb.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2801"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/williamjcobb.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2801\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2821,"href":"https:\/\/williamjcobb.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2801\/revisions\/2821"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/williamjcobb.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2801"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/williamjcobb.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2801"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/williamjcobb.com\/blog\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2801"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}